Rock On, Freddy!
I, like all of everybody, recently watched the latest season of Stranger Things, and like everybody, seemingly, enjoyed the shit out of it.
I won't get in to a blow by blow about it, but one of the things I enjoyed the most was it's unabashed love letter to the Nightmare on Elm Street movies, which inspired me and my wife to rewatch all of those damn things, the good, the bad, (except the real bad remake) and Freddy Vs. Jason, mother fuckers!
It had been a while since I'd watched all of them, and I've always had a fondness for how absolutely cheeseball they got, so with fresh eyes I gave them all new ratings:
A Nightmare on Elm Street
A legit, horror classic despite Johnny Depp’s involvement. A+ drunken mom performance. Teens in their twenties. Perhaps Freddy was supposed to be scary.
4 out of 4 Freddy finger claws.
A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge
Much better than it’s given credit for. Freddy crashing the yuppy pool party and trashing the joint is his finest terror. Perhaps great for all the reasons they never intended it to be but is even better now as it’s taken it’s place as a gay icon film.
3 out of 4 Freddy finger claws
A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors
Peak Freddy. Peak Kills. Punctuated by the one and only Dokken song to ever exist, the titular Dream Warriors. Don’t tell me there’s another Dokken song on the same soundtrack, it’s crap. Only Dream Warriors is real. 4 out of 4 Freddy finger claws
A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master
A barely held together, incoherent pile of nonsense Renny Harlin vomit that features exactly zero Dokken Dream Warriors songs, but some ok Freddy kills.
2 out of 4 Freddy finger claws
A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child
On top of it’s weird, backdoor, pro-life stance, lame Ted Nugent inclusion, ugly children, and lamest plot yet, it doesn’t even have that good of kills.
1 of 4 Freddy finger claws
Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare
Freddy is essentially Bugs Bunny, whacking teenagers on their way to Albuquerque, utilizing his very own power glove, and bringing along Tom Arnold and Alice Cooper. Points deducted for ridiculously dated 3D pandering that perhaps has never worked.
3 out of 4 Freddy finger claws
Wes Craven’s New Nightmare
Freddy rocking it in his fashionable leather pants trying to convince everybody he’s actually scary and not the king of horror dad jokes. A for the effort, twist on the familiar, and the creepy, updated look.
4 out of 5 Freddy finger claws
Freddy Vs Jason
Despite the 2000’s soundtrack trying to ruin the thing and the regrettable Destiny Child F-bomb Drop, this is THE BEST Nightmare/Freddy movie. Easily. But not the best Jason movie. No, I will not explain further.
4 out of 4 Freddy finger claws and 1 out of 1 giant ass murder machetes.